ToO BaD

So me and Whit are planning to go to Tennessee State University to visit Ryan in November. Hopefully everything will work out 'cause i really think it'll be worth while to get out of St. Louis, u know? And hopefully it will be a little warmer down there than it will be up here.I started looking up hotels, rates, calculating gas and expenses for this trip for the past few days. Hmmm.. IDK. Whit said Blair was talkin' bout going. That would really help out with the gas and the hotel cost, that is if she's serious about going. Since i started getting that together, i'm a little relieved with how well it's comin along. But dammnit, enough on that. i'm Pissed. I'm pissed! Im infuriated. I'm ready to bang! Who with? Myself. I have really let myself down. I have. U know why I have? Because I have been letting other people tell me what to do and I've been doing it. true enough, I have my moments where I do my own thing, but lately that hasn't been the case. I'm pissed. I'm infuriated. I'm pissed because I got a call today saying that Bunny wanted to go to the mall. I assumed she wanted me to just go wit her. No. She showed up at my door and we started walking towards the garage. She goes, "where is your car?". I'm like, "huh?!" I'm thinking.....why am I driving. So finally i just came out and said it. "Well, Idk how to get there, though." I go, "I would be IN the car WITH u, you know". That was the last of that conversation and we headed to my car. I'm like, damn mane. Well, we made it to the mall after 3:30 pm. We walked around and I showed her all of the stores. We finally were closing in on the full circle when we stop in D.E.M.O. It's maybe a quarter til four. I think i got kind of agitated and she realized it. "You lookin' like.... will she hurry up?", she said. i'm thinkin'..yeah. I guess she didn't realize wat time it was and that I had class tonite. Hmmm. This time I really wanted to kick myself. By the time we got off the highway it was 10 til five.Grrrreat! This is what happens when i dont think of me first. Too bad we can't go bak in time and do things over. Too bad that when she called and said, "i wanna go to the mall" i couldn't have replied, "how we gettin' therr?" SHYT. Too bad. I'm over it. I'm done wit dat...... Now i'm infuriated. Infuriated! I'm infuriated because the one person that i gave my" all" to is now telling me that i dont give a rat's ass about him. If you didn't know, we broke up a few days ago. NOW u know. And because I told him how i felt, he is giving me the guilt trip, by saying that I'm not putting him first. I'm not trying anymore. I'm not doing this. I'm not doing that. Yadda Yadda Yadda. And everyday we fight over this same shit. Why? Because I let it happen. I'm kicking myself now. Too bad that when I said it's over, I didn't do it like i meant it. Too bad that when he asked me about this guy or that guy, wat happened her or there, instead of standing up for myself and not feeling like i need to explain myself, i did the opposite. Too bad that he doesn't get it that I DONT want US right now. I DONT!!! Too bad that when he tells me not to talk to anyone, get to know anyone, exchange phone numbers, or even go out on date, that i couldn't just say We Are Not Together. I will make up my mind wat is best for me. AND NO ONE ELSE!!! I mean it this time!! I do! I laid here, in my bed, for a few hours thinking about this. I see what's going on now. I see what he's doing. This insecurity is killing me and i'm not taking it anymore. If he still believes that just because i'm not putting up with these issues anymore that i dont care about him, so be it. He's going to believe what he wants to @ the end of the day anyway... Whether it be about where i go, who i see, who i DONT see, who i do or DONT talk to (thomas for instance) or anyone else. Bring it up all u want. I'll answer what i want when i want. Dont like it? Too Bad.