I Am

Well, this morning when i woke up, i read my horoscope with another horoscope that was dead on. It started off with, "Today could be one of those days when you look around the house and think, "What a mess!" You might then decide to give the whole place a thorough cleaning. This is fine, PEACH, as long as you don't try to do it alone. Get others in the household to help out." Ya, my place IS somewhat of a mess. But what REALLY got me was what the last part said...."You've been working very hard lately, and if you get too tired you could well be very short with everyone and be very poor company. Pace yourself!" Pace myself? HA! That's something I haven't been able to do in a while. I don't even know where to start! Man, I feel SO alone. Considering all the people who I am around constantly, it doesn't make sense for me to say this. However, I do, and i mean it. I have friends. I have a job. I have a car. I go to school. I go out. I have a boyfriend. Right now, i'm unphased by that. I should be LOVIN it! With all these things, i STILL feel alone. It's like, Now I'm really running myself thin. Friends wanna see me, and my boyfriend wants to see me. I'm struggling to make time for everyone else, yet haven't even stopped to make time for my dAmN self. I think I have finally had it. Alone, i am. That is where I stand right now. That is where I will continue to stand until I make a change. Upset, I am, for many different reasons. Some of them I have definitely talked about time and time again. Others, well, I don't know. I shall touch base on them. Work. I need to quit Hi-Tech. I have to. I should be able to just concentrate on school. But with 3-4 jobs, that's nearly impossible. It SHOULD be my #1 priority. Instead, it's how much thinner can i run myself? Friends. If the ones that stand beside me ARE real, then they should understand why i can't talk, why i cant do anything right then, why i cant go out. But me feeling like i have to fill a void continues to perpetuate the situation. That leaves me confused. Confused, I am. I'm confused about why I try to do EveRyThiNG. I just want to slap myself now. It's so Asinine. Asinine of me to try to do everything within 24 hours time. It's assinine of me to try to make EVERYONE ELSE happy when i'm not myself. But I swear that (sooner than later) I will control what's going on in my life. Otherwise, everyone and everything will roll RIGHT over me, and wont even stop. I'm in control, shara. I'm in control!!! I am the panjandrum of my life. Now that I see that i have only been hurting myself, confused, alone, and uncontrollable I am.