Still Don't know...

Hey ya'll. I'm so proud of myself. tonite, i beat FFIX (final fantasy 9). Yes, all 34+ hours of it is not completed. because of my lack of being able to put the controller down, i was playing it nonstop until i beat and. And BECAUSE of THAT, i just got finished washing the damn dishes. Shame, right? ya, i know. i'm such a nerd when it comes to video games. ah well.... The other night, when bobby was getting ready to leave, we went outside and hugged for a few minutes. With him in my arms, i kept thinking, " i really do love him". What a revelation, right? This is, like, common knowledge by now, but it became so obvious right then. Ive been thinking about it a lot, basically ever since he left my house.... I know this is a long shot, but i can sometimes see myself with him way down the line. It just seems right, u know? But then i have my doubts. But i think that goes without saying.... ONe, im so young, i cant even fathom what it would be like to just consider myself "taken: (i mean like REALLY taken) already if we still were going out. TwO, I don't REALLY know WHAT i want. ThReE, when i think about the little things that irritate me, it makes me not want to bother with a relationship with anyone. I guess you could say that i can be very selfish at times. But right now, i think i have the right to be. i'm working my ass off for myself. No one's pushing me to do this. I dont feel pressure from anyone else but myself to go beyond the limits that i thought i had. FoUr, because of me not having much experience with relationships (him being the only one), i sometimes feel as though there's something i have to do. Im feeling a need to have more experience, because otherwise, i will have learned nothing.. Nothing on the matters of the heart and how to really love someone unconditionally, no matter their flaws or imperfections. If wat i feel in my heart is true between the two of us, i dont think i can be w/ him the right way right now, until i feel this void. i want to be able to make it really work between us, if "we" are to ever happen again. but hey, even if we dont end up together way down the line, i know that i do love this guy and i care about him a hell of a lot. i swear, i think this is the answer ive been searching for for a few months now. It seems so clear now, so obvious..... but i still dont know.