Problems

Well, I got some things straightened out. I realized that I DONT need that job at Tanner B's (duh, shara) and that I should keep looking. I also realized that I am becoming a wishy-washy person when it comes to relationships. I need to figure out what the hell I want to do, or what I don't want to do. Tonight I have finally stopped faking the funk and came to the realization that Thomas does, in fact, like me. I mean, who just says "would you talk to me if this...", or "would you talk to me if that...". But so what? That's not reason enough for me to budge in any direction. I need to keep my eyes on the prize, right? (in the words of Robert Hall!!) hehe. Man, once I find a freakin' job that i wont be ready to kill myself after going to, I can start worrying about my personal life. I mean, it's not like he's done anything outstanding for me or for anyone else (as far as I've seen) that is telling me that he's really trying. That he's putting in effort. That he's serious about this. Whatever. I think that's one of the things that's been haunting my brain as of late, not to mention money matters. God. When ISNT money an issue anymore? Now that's somethin' I'm ALWAYS thinking about, as well as piling on another job. I really need to stay focused and have faith in myself and the Lord. There's nothing else I can do about it now. I never thought i would say this, but I think I'm trying to hard. If it's gonna happen, it's gonna happen, right? YEah.... Anyway, I think I'm just gonna go on a tandrum for a sec....... You know one of the simple things that makes me happy? Riding a bike. Riding a bike! Isn't that silly? When I was in Mississippi and I was riding my brother's bike, it felt so good to me for some reason. All I did was ride up and down the streets on those old, dirt roads. I smelled that country air, that good ol' country air. That's something city folks will never get, never know, never experience. There's something about it. It makes me so happy.. Eatin' fresh, sweet strawberries. OMG. Enuff said on that one. Making other people happy, making other people laugh.I swear, if I can get someone to feel some kind of emotion from me acting crazy, it's all worth it. I don't know what It is, but it does something to me... on the Inside. It gives me a sense of joy to see the joy on someone else's face. But those simple pleasures are not here right now. I miss them. Really, I do. I worry myself sometimes to the point where I want to break down. Where I want to cry. I Hate that feeling. That's one of the things I hate. Along with people who try to make themselves look better than they do, pick their nose while they're driving (as well as any other friggin time) and when a person doesn't know what color coordination is. haha. Back on the serious note. Why do I have to be the person who lives with financial issues? Why could I have been born into a rich family... without a care in the world, living it up? Sometimes I hate that... But all day, as usual, all of this thinking has finally given me some closure on a few issues, such as the few above and this one. The reason I don't have millions of dollars is because I was born to understand what hard work means. What earning every penny means. What struggling means. I am black and native american. AND i'm female. ARe you serious? if that's not a struggle in itself, Idk wat is. One day I will look back at the days that i stressed my brain out about a job and working a money and be able to laugh at it all. Be able to smile and say, "this is what i came from. this is where i stand now". One day i'll be able to buy my family anything and everything they want and have them set for the rest of their lives. we work so hard for wat they have.... omg, i really wanted to shed a tear there. i mean this. on the real. as much as i want to say im doing this for them, it really is for me. i have been a part of their struggle that they are living at this moment. ive dealt quite a bit of money to just help THEM out, u know? one day i dont want to even have to think about not having enough or them not having enough. if i have it, they've got. u feel me? this is from the heart.. more money, more problems they say? P-Lease..