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I'm not sure what's goin' on with me right now. My head is in a daze, and for one reason or another, I can't seem to escape it. Lately I've been thinking about a lot of things, and everything's coming to a head now. Relationships, friends, life, my environment, school, work, stress, and anger. I don't know what I'm going to do about living conditions this year. It seems as though I might be living at home first semester. My roommate has not talked to me @ all about what she's going to do next year. Nor has she talked about rooming with me. Vicki and I are talking again, but I don't know if there's still room in an apartment for me. Once I'm done with school and I get off of work, I'm so exhausted I don't even feel like doing anything at all. My mom and I talk everyday, but I feel like I'm going backwards in the steps I'm supposed to be taking with her and Robert. I understand perfectly now everything she says to me, but I feel like I'm still hurting her, as well as him. I want to somewhat break away, but I feel like a part of me is dependent on our relationship, even though we are no longer together. I'm feeling so much pressure from both of these people that I care so much about. On one hand, I love him, but on the other, I need to find what I want, need, and what really makes me happy. In the background, he's still there egging me on to hurry up and get back together. It angers me. It hurts. It makes me cry. It makes me doubt a lot of things. But most of all, it makes me wonder why, why there's a hurry? Yes, I get the fear factor of not getting back together. At the same time, if I'm to find happiness, and he really wants my happiness, he has to let me find that out. Even if this hurts me in the end, how will I really know who I am if I don't let myself. Who knows how long this will take. Everytime he raises the question of when, I wonder if we need more space. Because what would be the point in getting really serious again in, oh, let's say a few months, and then I leave a few months later for a different country. This is my time to experience everything. I'm only in college once. I believe part of the reason he's so serious is because he's already had that whole experience. He's felt love with someone, heartbreak, and loss. It's not like I haven't, but not with a significant other that I truly care about. I may not have one at this point, but I want to be able to go out without a guilty conscience at all. I feel as though if we're meant to be, we will be. But right now isn't the time for me to "settle down." I mean, think about it. If we're thinking about being able to spend the rest of our lives with the each other, then we have to be ready for our whole self to be committed and shared. Not just ourselves, but our love, our feelings, our honesty, loyalty, homes, family, checkbooks.... all of that. If we can't support each other in every single one of those ways, what's the point in doing more than dating each other as we're doing right now. I want to be established on my own first. I know where I'm headed, but not quite sure where I'm going to end up yet. This is what's holding me back from being really serious with him. If this isn't serious, I don't know what is.