Mixed Emotions

Well.... bobby and I went out to dinner last night. We had planned to go to Cyrano's, however, that night someone was having a Private Party. So.... we headed down to the loop and ate at Cicero's. The best part of my meal was definitely the strawberry smoothie. Oh My GOD!!!! It was So Damn good. But anyhow, once we got back to the dorms, he pulled out the Lingerie from Frederick's and I proceeded to give him his "present". I guess you could say that in a way it's the biggest present that anyone could GIVE to anyone. (themselves completely). We actually took pictures of ourselves together and I was really excited to do so(even though I'm not one for taking pictures of myself). It was a pretty good night. Well... today was a different story. We tried to do some things today and it didn't work out very well. It was unusually painful once lubrication was lost and I soon lost all drive to try to continue as well. I would usually just continue and "take it", but this time, something inside me told me to just give it up. I was tired of trying. Something was also lost at that moment... maybe our connnection at that time, or it at least seemed like it. After all was said and done, I finally turned to him and uttered," You know we can't do this anymore, right?" He gave me a very simple, "yeah, I know." We didn't say anything else to each other until he felt as though he was ready to leave. So... on the car ride there, it was completely silent until we were moving closer to the bridge of St. Charles and he finally asked me some questions about various subjects. Then it grew quiet again. when we finally got off the highway, he goes, "Do you still love me as much as you used to?" I was taken by surprise by the question, and was somewhat offended. In my head, I wanted to say, "don't you know that!!?? You should have to ask, right". Another part of me was thinking, "well, if you have to ask, maybe there Is a problem with us, more than just this breakup that we can't identify right now because we're worrying about everything else." But i decided to just answer the question straight up and continued to drive towards the school. He asked if I could stop at schnucks before dropping him off, and I did just that. when he went inside to get some juice, my eyes began to water, wondering what would happen to us in the future. I convinced myself that I shouldn't worry about it and definitely shouldn't let him see me like this. So.... he started to walk out of the store, I began to back up out of the parking space so that I could pick him up at the cross walk of the store. When we finally made it to his school, we looked at each other for a short time, and I finally kissed him. He grabbed his back out of the back seat and I uttered, "I love you." As soon as he got out, tears started rolling down my face. I was thinking to myself, "what am I doing?!! What the HELL am I DoInG?!!!" I have something SO good and I'm just letting it go.... just letting it go. Just like ThAt! I cried the whole way back to Webster. I couldn't help myself. something in me just kinda cracked and everything that I was holding inside just started coming out. I couldn't keep it in anymore. My mixed emotions are hurting me even more than they ever have, and him as well. The jealousy that I could feel from him made me realize that I have to make sure about everything. Hopefully we can both learn from this. I want to learn what I really want and need out of a relationship and he can confirm what he knows he wants, and maybe even what he doesn't. Well.... my mind is ready to shut down now... It's probably for the best.