SELF DISCOVERY

I think I’m on Day 3 in a row. Don’t I feel accomplished! Hey, you gotta start somewhere, right?

Anyone that has ever had a blog can tell you that we sometimes like to revisit things that we have written in the past.

And of course I have begun to do the same. It’s so interesting to see the progression and change between certain times in my life. But one thing I can say that I am quite proud of is the fact that the things I believe in have not changed much at all… They have only expanded. It means that I am just as open-minded as I had once hoped to be. What sparked this subject is the entry from November 10th, 2006.

What does a 19/20 year old know about life? Not much, but I somehow had it all figured out. On one hand it made me laugh. On the other, it made me question  other people. (Read the entry and you’ll see exactly what I mean) it’s funny that those same  clubs are the same ones that I would come to spend much more time in and create a family out of. And not just any family would this create, but a friend family…a family made up of people from diverse backgrounds that shared something so special in common. That special something has also come to transform us into the people we are today. I am much more unique than I ever thought I was. I never knew that one day I would come to consider myself pansexual. It may be confusing for some and unacceptable to others. That’s okay. I am finally at a place where I do not care about that. I DON’T CARE. As long as I am being a responsible adult, am happy, and loving purely with from my heart, does it matter who I am with? I refuse to be concerned with whether people believe what I do is OK. Mind ya bizness…

One thing I wish would change sooner than later is the amount of hatred that this community faces, sometimes very violent and disturbing.

Though it never happened on a regular basis, my first single gendered relationship was the first time that I felt as though I may have to defend myself from a man.

I remember one instance while walking down the street. We were leaving from dinner and some random guy was trying to ‘holla’. Well, I was in my own world, as I tend to be from time to time.

Of course my lack of attention towards this vermin resulted in him using as many homophobic epithets as humanly possible in the span of 120 seconds.  Yes. Tension rose higher until the following statements were made. “You wanna dress like a dude, get hit like a dude!” “You wish you had my equipment”. It gets worse, but I’m sure you get the gist. After a while, he began to follow us, while still calling her out of her name. And for what? Because a female was interested in you? In those fight or flight moments, what do you think you would normally do? Well, I’m sure this comes as no surprise about myself, but at a certain point, I stopped in my tracks, turned around, and had two people holding me back. What happened next is what somewhat surprised me. He stopped walking, but of course didn’t stop talking. One out of two isn’t half bad, I guess. But what if he hadn’t? Hmm… That’s why I stay strapped now. No, no, no. I know what you’re thinking. Not a gun. Wasp spray. STAY BACK!!      Ugh. Not good times when you feel like you are put in a position to either defend yourself company OR get FuCkEd up. Ha! That reminds me of another story about defending one’s self. I may save that for another day.

Anyway, self discovery is a scary, yet amazing thing. It’s just a matter of how we go about handling it with care or letting it explode all over the canvas.