I’ve done more talking to myself lately than I care to admit.
I’ve talked to myself more in the past few months than I think I ever have in my entire life. Am I going crazy?
I think not. I think I’m bored out of my mind and have no one to talk to during the day. Holy SHIT! SHOOT ME IN THE FACE, PLEASE.
Dramatic much? Pause.
Today is just another day at work and I think things are slowly but surely coming together (in some odd way).I think it really comes down to my work contract being up on the 6th of this month (4 more days! WOOHOO!!) and only being stuck in my lease for one more month. From that moment on, what I do will solely be based upon what I WANT to do for myself, and no one else. I won’t lie to you. It is quite selfish, as I am not totally ‘flying solo’ here. We’ll save that conversation for another day.
In the meantime, I’ve narrowed down my plans from A to Z to an A to E plan.
Plan A: Move back to Saint Louis ASAP with or without a job
Plan B: Continue working where I am until I find a job and THEN move
Plan C: Save a certain amount of money (2 months worth) as a cushion (to cover bills, rent, expenses, etc) and move back (while still searching, of course)
Plan D: Look for jobs everywhere, and in the meantime, continue working where I am
Plan E: Move somewhere else of my choosing and WING IT!!
So…. My mind tends to wander from E to A to C to B to D ALL the time. But I need to stick to a plan unless the right circumstances and opportunities present themselves.
To cover plan D, when I say everywhere, it really means Chicago, Atlanta, St. Louis, Cali, maybe New York? (Yeah, it used to be Seattle, but that has since changed. Can’t help myself sometimes!!)
Moving on.
HAIR.
I’ve now been natural for a little over a year’s time. No chemicals, no relaxers, no perms in my hair. And now that more time has passed, I can’t even remember what that felt like, nor do I want to.
It’s painful and is a reminder of how we are told through our culture, through media, through other cultures that we must look as Anglo as possible to be considered beautiful. Straight or wavy hair. Light features. Blue or green eyes will do. Thin lips. More narrow frame. Now you’re getting there! Now you’re more acceptable. Now you’re more ‘beautiful’. I can say this… One thing that the Big Chop/ Transition has taught me is that you need to be a strong woman of color in this world. You have to learn how to block out some of the bullshit, just to have a piece of mind. You have to continue to tell yourself that nothing is wrong with your full lips, high cheek bones, your round face, your exotic features, your thin waste, and round derriere. NOTHING! IF anything, EVERYTHING is right about it. That is how you were made. That is how I was made. That is how WE were made. There were no mistakes in this process.
You know what makes it more glorious? What sits above your crown. Your hair. Your nappy, kinky, curly, mystifying hair. Many don’t understand it. Many won’t. But realize that there is a shy sense of curious that peeks behind those unwanted gazes and stares. Sometimes we fear what we do not know. No worries.
As far as big choppers, naturals, and transitioning women go, I am still quite new to this world, this world called home. This is the world that accepts and understands my hair as it is. One year down. I’m looking forward to this next one. I can’t wait for my hair to be healthier than it has been since I was a child. Dark, thick, healthy, and luscious. Can’t be that, right?
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