The Happy Place

Just sitting here in the back of the office today, as usual. Unseen. Unheard. Watching the hands slowly slant towards the next dial on my golden teller of time.

I’ve never wished for days to pass more quickly, nor with a greater sense of urgency. I observe my monotonous surroundings and my mind begins to wander. Notifications via Outlook email struggle to draw my attention back to the tasks at hand.  I check one. Then another. And another. And none of which that have been checked are what I’ve been so patiently waiting for. Is this my life? Sometimes I wonder. Am I in a dream? If so, when will I awake from this ongoing slumber. 

My heart thrives for excitement. My mind craves change. “It’s just a matter of time”, I tell myself. “It’s just a matter of time”. If it were up to me, I would stray this life at the drop of a dime. One day. One day I will break out of this monotony and seize the next precious moments of my life. I supposed I could technically seize it now. But what would be the consequences to follow? Is it the smartest decision to make at this moment or would it just be the most gratifying one? I say the latter. No matter. I deal with what is the present. I won’t lie to you. My thoughts continue to do me in, through and through. They refuse to allow me rest. They deny me peace of mind. They ravage my heart and my soul, forcing me to face and feel the pain inside. The pain associated with a sense of sadness, loneliness, and regret. When will this end, though? Is it not my turn yet? I’m waiting. Anticipating. Collaborating with everything I have inside of me..and out. How different would things be now if I hadn’t left? How would things be if I had gone left instead of right? Did I make the RIGHT decision? It seems as though no matter what decisions we make, there will always be a ‘What If’ moment. Doubt will always exist, as long as we are alive.

I honestly can’t help but reflect on many things, considering how few people I have to actually talk to and interact with. I think I have analyzed any relationship (intimate or otherwise) that I have had in the past 2-3 years. Yeah… That’s where I’m at right now. I don’t WANT to think about it anymore. It’s so unlike me. I WANT to think about my future. I WANT to move forward. But it’s hard. Hmmm. I guess I’m gonna need to find that happy place in order to keep my mind busy.  I wish I could just hop on a plane and move to Australia or something. Mmmhhmmm.. That’s how big of a change I want.

I’ve felt so neglected from many of the people I cared about the most, the ones I would do ANYTHING for and give AYTHING to be with at this exact moment. But through these feelings comes understanding. It’s an understanding that will allow me to be more empathetic in the future towards those who have lived their entire lives like this. What I will say is that I do not plan on making this a normal thing. NO WAY! Not happening. Time to look for that happy place.