That's Life

Well, well, well... Look who's back?! Been quite some time since I wrote in this blog of mine. You know, it’s only been 2 or 3 years... No biggie. So much has happened (of course) since the last time I wrote in this monster. And I have to say, I quite missed it. Exponentially.

When we go through trying times, I believe we sometimes fail to remember the simple outlets that we have, not only to temporarily escape what is transpiring within our lives, but also to find a safe haven for our thoughts and feelings. (I plan to work harder at writing in this regularly now, just as I did so many years ago) But why is it that it has become harder to do so in recent years? Is it possible that I am truly that much busier? Or is it that I became so focused on other things, that I failed to continue a leisure activity that I not only enjoyed but kept me sane and gave me a sense of self and peace? Hmm. To be fair, I'm going to go with a little bit of both or maybe a mixture of the two, shall we say?

I find myself asking questions. A lot of them. They result in a LEVIATHAN, as they never end. At least it seems that way. Why do certain things happen, not only to myself, but to people in general? Why do people suffer? Why do they go through difficult times, that sometimes leave them worse off or in a darker place than when they started? Is it really just a test..or a testament to the world in which we live? Why is it that those who deserve better settle for less? Why do we have tragedies like Trayvon Martin? Why do we have airplanes falling from the skies while locomotives collide into one another? Why are homosexuality and race still such detracting issues? I find myself asking questions like this way more than I used to. I doubt it's just because I'm older, but because I care about the world around me. It appears that the more you care, the more it hurts. One thing I absolutely cannot tolerate is seeing people suffer. And that's ALL I see now. It breaks my heart a little bit. I ask myself everyday what is it that I can do to help the situations around me. But in all honestly, without too many resources, not much. How frustrating?! At some point in time I WILL have the resources needed to truly put a dent in an issue or crisis that we will encounter in the future. Until that time, I have to keep hope alive, I guess.. 

God, I had no intentions on starting my first blog on such a somber note. But honestly, 'it be like that sometimes'. Moving on. So what’s new with me. Well, I started Grad school last year. All was going well until I received news of me not being able to register this coming fall, due to a balance on my account. Awesome. My financial aid failed to cover one of the class I took this past spring. Soo…. Until I pay down the current balance, I will not be able to take any more courses until next year. FUCK!!!!!  I keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason. But… FUCK ME, man!! That puts me a semester behind in school....Hmph. 

What else? Um…..I now reside in Florida where much of the bullshit happens I am describing transpires. I'm definitely ready to change the scenery for that reason, along with the amount of racism and conservatism that is here. I'm not necessarily saying that I have to live in a Blue state, per say, but I at least need a BLUE city. I want to experience new surroundings with interesting, like-minded, young professional individuals. I want a place where I can have it all, a new life and leisure. I want new loves. But when I say loves, I’m not referencing someone to be intimate with. I am speaking about finding new things to be passionate about, not the ‘same ‘ol thing’ routine. I don’t want that. I feel as though I have only begun to spread my wings, as they still fill quite restricted and I, myself, caged. I want to do many more of the activities that I have yearned for, for so many years. Unfortunately, Florida is not the place to accomplish nor realize the majority of these dreams. As a result, I am focusing much of my efforts towards moving again. Where? Who knows? I have at least narrowed down my search…a LITTLE bit. I’m looking at moving back home in St. Louis (which I have been pushed against doing more and more), Atlanta, Chicago, Seattle, and all over California. I just hope luck is on my side this time. It took years before the first decent opportunity to move out of St. Louis struck. I hope it won’t take quite as long this time. I’m keeping thoughts of positivity and hope within my brain and heart. I just want to be happy wherever I live. I want it so bad that it hurts sometimes. And, of course, work does not help the situation. I generally have positive working relationships with everyone. However, the ladies within my department despise me, I swear. I heard that I am too straightforward, which makes me aggressive? What the FUCK does that even mean? I initially felt bad for whatever actions I did, even thought I wasn’t quite sure what they were. But as I began to think more, I felt anger and sadness. And then it was all overcome by laughter. Why? Well, let’s think about it. Had it been a man that was straightforward and to the point, this would never have come or been an issue up at all. Is it truly and simply that? Or is it that I just don't fit in with this group of women. Sometimes I feel like women instinctually are competitive towards each other. Why? I don't understand, but I refuse to lose any sleep over it at this point in time. I do my work. I get done what needs to be done. And I do it all very well. Now I'm hoping to find a better and more positive outlet and opportunity with my skills, knowledge, and experience. 

Man, it feels so good to write in here again. I STILL can't believe I've had this blog as long as I have. The only difference is the material contained within it has definitely gotten more serious. I don't foresee it being like this all the time, but it can't help but happen. Ah well. That's life.