Realization

Realization
So I finally decided to email Bobby about how I felt regarding our situation. I really didn't know how he would take it, but considering how we left our final conversation on AIM, it really seems to me as if he's just bitter. I thought all of that was over and done with. It's not. Considering he does not trust me at all now, we cannot have a relationship in the future. That's just the way it is. Unless we can really START OVER, nothing can happen between us. Lately I have done nothing but think about the times we were together, happily.... Like how he used to always call me "greedy ass" anytime I would eat and we would both just laugh. Like how I used to sit on his lap and he would kiss my chin lightly over and over again. Like how he used to hold me in his arms and i just felt so safe. I swear I've been missing that so much recently. I want those things so much. Right now. Maybe I'm just alone. Maybe the people i'm meeting aren't living up to what i "want"? Maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe I really do miss being with him, but I'm trying to "keep it under wraps". It's seriously driving me crazy now! The weather doesn't help, either...It's so nice, so hot, so.....perfect. I swear, I've daydreamed many times in the past couple days of us being together intimately and how it felt. God. I used to love that feeling. Now I hate that feeling. Before, I could find comfort in how things used to be, but now it's a realization that they will never be the same. I have no choice but to come to terms with it. He told me he has met someone that he has been talking to for a lil' minute. Apparently it's not serious. In my heart, I already felt that he had. But what is that information supposed to do? Idk. I've gone out once in the last two-three weeks. I've been studying everyday and watching movies every night, but nothing helps. Y is this? Is it because what we had was just that special? I swear, if i dont' find some form of relief soon, i'm going to explode. I swear i am! No matter how our relationship ends up, I really wish him only the very best. Maybe I'm not a good compatible person for him. Or maybe I'm thinking too hard about this to be 19. Shit. Coming to terms with shit can be a bitch. Getting older can really change u. I've noticed that. I've experienced it. In less than 3 months I will no longer be a teenager. I will be 20 years old. The past few weeks I have done nothing but think vigorously about the future. I've been thinking about my life. About my career. About my family. About people at home that still call me while i'm here in thailand. About people who leave me messages asking if i'm okay. About everything. Shit. Maybe I Will be good for someone some day. I just know that the time for that is definitely not now....