P a N i C

Well...things are as they have been for the past few weeks. And it seems as though there is no progression in either a positive or negative direction. All i know is that I worked at imo's yesterday morning and this mornin and i'm feelin' good. I'm makin' some money. It's about time, u know? Ah, man. I got a funny story. Sonja, my sis, came home yesterday and we had a little conversation. ANd i quote...."Hey shara, um... 'member Erica's little sister, Jessica?". I go, "yeah? we ARE friends, u know". I roll my eyes. "Well, u know she had a baby, right?" "Yeeaaah, Sonja?" Well, ANOTHER one of my friend's little sisters is trying to move in with her bf now because SHE'S pregnant, too! I don't know what's going on with people your age". I'm thinking to myself, "where the hell is she going with this", but i was somewhat curious to find out. "Well, I just wanted to know if u needed me to take you to Planned Parenthood or something... um... u know. This kinda scares me. It's like an epidemic or something. I mean, are u having sex? or... do you have any questions or anything?" Her eyes were huge as she was asking me all of these questions. I was laughing so HaRd on the inside. Ah, man. Considering that I don't want ANY of my family to know whether or not i've had sex, I said, "No, I'm not having sex right now, but i AM on the pill for this reason... I wanted to regulate my period." Point blank. That's all i said. But I should've known she would have a follow-up response. "well, you dont want to get pregnant, you know? And, like, you don't want to go through an abortion." I just say, "Okay, Sonja, I'm not stupid NoR am I retarded. Let me tell you.... I KNOW that i will be on the pill when i do whatever i do. And secondly, I wont hesitate to make sure i use condoms all the time. That's the business." God. She finally calmed down after i told her i knew what i was doing, or rather, what to do when i decide to do the "do". U dig? Ne who, I was talking to a couple of my friends today.... John, Whit, Bobby Ryan, and Thomas. All of them have been giving me the same degree about the amount of time i spend doing everything else, except hanging out with them. Hmmm. John says I'm always tired and I don't make enough time for him. Whit says that I "work too DAMN much", Bobby says that I don't spend enuff time with him, even though he understands everythign i'm tryin' to do while Ryan agrees with whitney, and thomas feels that all of my friends are getting the short end of the stick. What the hell am i supposed to do?! It made me feel kinda bummed. I miss hanging out with errbody all the time, but damn. I gotta work. I gotta clean. I gotta make sure i don't step on any toes in this house, u know? I want to hang with all of them, but right now I have so much to do and i have yet to take those steps forward towards getting where I wanna go. Other than continuously working at both of my jobs and continuously filling out more applications at every single building in ST. Louis, what else is there FOR me? I won't be happy until I've completed my goal: Getting a better paying job. Besides.. Without that, I can't get an apartment. And without an apartment, I can't be on my own time, you know? I'm alone in this. I gotta find an apartment myself. Allison's comfortable with her current state and a rent of only 1-200 bucks. I wouldn't be complaining either. Man, oh man. I gotta make things happen. And soon! Otherwise, I'm gonna be assed out.Ok. Don't panic, shara. (I have to keep telling myself that) The doors aren't completely closed yet.. I've got 20+ days to find somewhere to live for six months. On the real! I'm gonna do it. I have to!! In the meantime, I'm tryong not to panic....