HorOscOpe

Your horoscope for September 16, 2013
	A minor quarrel and/or separation could take place between you and a love partner, Shara, probably over something that seems ridiculously trivial. Nonetheless, it's likely to get your dander up to the point where you swear you never want to see this person again. Go for a workout, or a brisk walk so that you can clear your head, get the endorphins going, and view the situation a little more objectively. Then phone your friend and work it out.

My horoscope was perfect for today…. Unfortunately.

Many things felt as though they had come to a screeching halt. We enjoyed ourselves. Then we expressed ourselves.. However, at the end of that day, I still hurt her somehow. That is rarely ever my intention, yet I am somehow very skilled at doing so. I used my words, not as a weapon, but as a liberating entity. I spoke the truth. And, as always, I feel worse than the day before. Is it me? Is it truly me?

Is it that I really and truly have a cold heart? Or am I not completely ready and willing to give my heart away? Is that wrong of me? Do I protect myself too well? Or do I just not want to be disappointed? LOVE, as an active body in my life, has become more and more confusing. I’m not so sure about any of it anymore.  Is it that I am just completely incapable of loving someone so fearlessly anymore? These questions have haunted my brain for the past 17 hours. I see no signs of them lightening up, either. Poor me, right? No, poor her. I feel extremely horrible for failing this girl so miserably. She worries about her heart while I worry about the logistics of it all. Why? For what? It seems to be a habit I am unable to break. How will things turn out? At this point, I’m really not sure. But one thing is for sure, they cannot continue as they are.

Well….. I guess you could say that is my view on love relationships at this point of time. I really am worried that my masculine personality has taken over quite a bit of what would mirror a softer side of who I am. I come off too hard, too cold, too much like an actual man in a relationship. I can’t be the only one in the universe like this. In fact, I know I’m not. But what is it that I can do to change that? As hard as it is to admit, a part of me doesn’t WANT to change that. The scale teeters from one side to the other. Hmph. Where do you go from there, hm?

I think it best to transition to another subject.

I actually took the opportunity in applying for a position with my same company, but back in St. Louis. I must say, I’m happy I did so. Nothing may come of it, but I had to try. I’m doing what I can in the meantime to get out of this place called Florida. Not a fan, and have been since getting out of the car. I don’t foresee that changing in 2-3 month’s time. I’m a broke-barely-making-it-still-in-school-but-have-loans-to-pay type girl. I haven’t been as financially challenged as I am now in a good 4 years. What I realized is that I was more or less cheated out of what I could have been making when I moved here. I almost make the same amount as I did back in STL, but the standard cost of living was much lower there. It was manageable and I could still maintain my bills while having a social life. That is a NO-GO here. Not cool. Like I said before, I have made up my mind on a few issues. But I am slowly narrowing down that possibilities of what will actually happen. Let’s see… first of all, less than a year ago, I just put down a decent down payment on a car and now have a car note and insurance to pay for. So… of course that means that I have much less in my savings than I did at one point in time. Mmmm… Yeah… let’s just say I’m down $2200 bucks now., yet somehow not in the red. So let’s get that savings account back up. What else? Um…. I’m obviously going to continue to apply for jobs out of state until I find something decent. And I DON’T care if they pay for moving expenses or supply reimbursement. My heart is calling me elsewhere.

It is what it is.

I’m setting up a tentative deadline for myself for when I want to be out of here, as well as how much I want to have saved by that point. And somehow, someway, I WILL do it. I will do whatever it takes to ensure that I won’t have to spend another birthday in this place. PERIOD.  I just hope that when that time comes, she’s coming with me.