Fate

I couldn't have been more right about how hard it would be to come home. The reason I waited so long to post another entry is because I thought that after a little time I would get away from these emotions I am having. Depression has never looked good on me in the first place. Why am I just THIS unhappy to be home? I've cried almost everyday since I have been home. Is that not ridiculous? I don't understand. I really don't. The night before departure, i went out with some friends to my gurl Alice's house-warming party. It was nice to just chill out, converse, and party with them one more time. The one person I told myself I was going to avoid, I did. But fate brought us back together... and fate's name is Nino. I told myself that I wouldn't get hurt if I just never saw this person again. One am. I get a call. It's Nino calling from the one person's phone that i would try to avoid. I answer. "When are u coming BACK???". "Um, Idk nino." i'm out with some people. "Come see me when u get back, ok?" WTF? Somethin's up. Well, we get back and stop at Nino's around 3am. There he is. Sugam. Sitting there. My eyes glance right past him to Nino. The place was CROWDED AT 4 AM. I should have known what was up. It was my last night, u know? Sugam waited 4 me to get to Nino's for a couple hours. Damnit. I knew i couldn't help but let my guard down. Well, some people leave. By 4, i knew it was time for me to go. Who follows me out? U guessed it. He drives me up to VIP. I prayed he would just leave, but doesn't. 4:30. On the balcony, talking, listening to the ocean and contemplating just how fucking hard it's going to be to leave this place. It's time to smoke one last time and clear my mind...... "Why won't he just leave me alone?" "Why is he hunting me down? Why?" "Why does he have to do this to me?" We kiss and talk and kiss and talk". Goddamnit. My heart is open again..... At this point in time, i know I have messed up. Ya, so things happen. So what, right? I'm leaving tonite, so why does it matter? I am now attached. Noon is about to hit. WE watch the sun rise, listen to that same ocean one last time, and he leaves. I continue my packing and try to dry my eyes, to no avail of course. This is when I knew the unthinkable has happened. I've fallen, and fallen hard. I'm wide open, which is something that hasn't happened in a long time. I've fallen in love with someone that I can't even be sure loves me back. Time to head to the airport. I practically cried the whole way there. What bullshit this is. Well, now u know why i've waited to write. I thought hat I would have coped and gotten over all of this, over everything that I have been through and experienced while in Thailand. Well, I was wrong. All of my feelings and emotions are still there. Why won't they just go away? wouldn't it be beneficial to stop thinking, and worrying, about someone I may never see again? This man is from Fucking NEPAL. What are the chances that our paths will meet like that again? Shit. At least my heart is trying to mend itself now. But just how long will THIS take? I'd rather not think about it. I do plan on visiting thailand, either this fall break or during winter break. If we run across each other, idk wat i'll do. Only fate knows....