Overseas PT II

this post is from 1/2/06
Phew. When WILL it END? Idk wat I’m talking about. I did something I haven’t done in such a long time. I completely lost it. I mean, completely! It has been such a long time since I did that. I guess it was only a matter of time? That’s what happens when u keep ur emotions inside. Naw, f*ck that. It was bound to happen. So here’s the deal…… Friday I had a little going away party. I had been inviting people since Wednesday. I was trying to call Whitney ever since Wednesday to invite her, all the way up to Friday night. No answer. No call back. I asked Ryan to give her a call and leave a message. He does and she calls him back telling him that she shall attend. Alright. Well, late Friday night comes around and people start coming. Genevieve (friend since elementary school) helped me set up for the whole thing. Then Josh mosley makes in. Then ryan comes in with some HELLA good Italian soda. MMMMMM!!! Then Sheku, Derrick, and Heather. Then my old roommate Gail and her friend. Then Kalonna’s crazy ass w/ a friend of hers. Then Kenny and his friend show up. THEN Jairus, Gill, and Chidi come in…. and at last Adam and his ex finally find their way over. I keep looking at my phone. I keep looking at my watch. Whit is nowhere to be heard of or found. 2:45 rolls around. Everyone but ryan leaves. I was lying on the couch, ‘bout to fall asleep. I figured I would just clean up the kitchen tomorrow morning before work. But guess who did it for me. Ryan. He cleaned up the whole kitchen and put all the wine glasses in the sink. OMG. Idk wat I would’ve done if he didn’t. I was dog tired, ya’ll, especially after eating all the cheese and crackers and wine and shyt. J We start talking about what happened to whit. Ryan goes, “I didn’t tell u this earlier, but she called me and said she was up at the gate entrance, but turned around.” “Huh?”, I say. “A friend of hers from KC was at her house unexpectedly, so she went back home”. “oh ok”, I say. The conversation we just had didn’t set in yet. Many people who were supposed to come, didn’t. Some reasons are unknown and others just angered me. And THAT’S when I let out my anger on a handful of people that Sunday morning. I analyzed the whole situation on Friday. And so the morning came and I was ready. One, I got on Puerto Rican and Chris’ case. Neither of them came but said they would “be over an HOUR!” Don’t call me and tell me that if u’re not. And to think, I did so much as get Puerto Rican from JAIL at one point in time! That’s some fucked up shyt. I asked him what happened when he called me Sunday morning and he said he got drunk. At least he was honest. “I’m sorry man. Damn, u leave tomorrow hella early. I’m sorry”. I told him that he would pay for that by not being able to see me b4 I leave. Then I told Bunny thanks for coming. (obvious sarcasm, or course) She said her guy friend fell asleep over her house. (So… you could not have brought him?) Bullshit, as usual. Don’t TELL me one thing and do something completely different. If u’re not sure if u’re gonna make it, then say so. If u have “company” that u would rather keep, than just say so. Don’t bullshit me, ‘cause I’m through with that. I guess I started to grow a tough skin over that weekend. Finally, “How was Friday?”, I text’d Whit. It was kewl”, she says. I’m thinking to myself , “oh ok”. I started asking questions like did she forget about me? Did she not care? What’s the deal? She replied with the fact that she didn’t forget, but a friend of hers came in town unexpectedly. “So you couldn’t call and tell me that?”, I ask in another text. “Shara, I’m not gonna argue with you and I luv u”, she replies. Inside my mind, I’m thinking, how could u possibly argue with the point that I have just presented. (When don’t I analyze shit?) I told her she couldn’t argue with me on this one and I was met with a “yes I COULD I just don’t want to”. That’s when I called her, since calling is definitely a one-way thing with her for the past 3 months…. That’s when I slowly started to go off. The phone rings. “Why couldn’t you have called me on Friday?”, I ask. “Shara, I sent u a text and u didn’t reply”, she said.
Me: “How do you know I got that text message?”
W: “Shara, I sent you a text and u didn’t reply”
Me: “did u ever think I may not have gotten it?! Texts don’t always go through. Why didn’t u just fucking call me?!!?!”
W: “Shara, why are you getting so angry? U really need to calm down. U make it sound like I’m being nonchalant about it”
Me: “Because u fucking ARE!!!”
(At this point in time, Imo’s had opened and I had to go outside b/c I was so freakin’ loud. After about 2 minutes, three of my coworkers joined me on the back porch to hear me lose my voice.)
W:”Shara, I sent u a text, so idk”.
Me: “Why couldn’t u just fucking call me?!”
W: “’cause my friend’s son was here”
Me: “So you couldn’t dial 7 mothafuckin’ digits?! U couldn’t dial 7 numbers?!!! (on the inside, I feel like it’s just excuses thrown at me”.
W: “Well, that’s why I sent the text ‘cause I couldn’t call”.
ME: “so you’re telling me u could call Ryan who is sitting right NEXT to me at the party but u could only TEXT me?!!! That is some bullshit if I ever heard it!!
Silence.
W: “I didn’t think of it like that”.
Me: “I see. And u wonder why I’m mad?! You’re basically saying that You couldn’t have come in for 5 whole minutes…. U’re supposed to be my BEST friend and I’m leaving the country TOMORROW but u couldn’t even call and let me know that you’re not coming? I won’t see u for FIVE MONTHS but it doesn’t seem to FUCKING matter!! (a couple people from the next building came outside to see what was going on… CRAZY.) I am SO HURT! U don’t seem to care, but I’m through with it! Let me just ask u something. Tell me what u think about this. Say YOU have a party and u obviously invite your best friend. No show. No call. Nothing! And u’re gonna be gone out of the country for 5 whole months! What does that look like?!”
W: “Not good.”
Me: “You’re right.” I finally calmed down. “I just wanted u to know that u really hurt me. Hurt me more than I have been hurt in a long time. But I felt u needed to know. There was no point in me pretending everything is cool between us when it’s not.” “Well, I guess if u want to hear my voice b4 I leave, give me a call when I get off work”.
W: What time u get off?
Me: What time u think I get off?
W: Five.
Me: Then call me then.
I thought that she finally understood wat I wanted. All I REALLY wanted was for her to call more often, like she said she was going to do. Do u think she called me l8er that night? NO. My friend Anthony took me to dinner and guess what happens. I get FUCKING text message. It has never become more obvious that someone has drifted away from me. It was obvious before this point that things were not the same. It hurts b/c I care so much…. Damn. In conclusion of this event, I first thought I was too harsh by the words I said. However, considering that it continued to happen over and over and is obvious that it STILL didn’t get through, I was wrong. I think that a few people can sit on what I have said. Maybe it’ll sink in within 5 months time. If not, then there’s nothing I can do, nor will I try. I put in the amount of work I needed to. Man, this trip could not have come at a better time. I won’t be stressed about working, this, or that. Just having a good time. Looking at the major events that just transpired in the last 4 days alone! And I thought everyone ELSE started off the new year crazy! I think I outdid everyone with that one. Damnit, shara. Be Easy. (ps…. The airplane food was HELLA good today!) For everyone back in the U.S., like Tears for Fears says, “Don’t you forget about me” (listening to itunes). Love You.